The Documented Deaths of a Sock Monkey

History of the Sock Monkey

Ever wonder where your missing socks really go? Do you really believe that they disappear in your dryer somewhere, never to be seen again? This is the lie that's been spread by a mysterious source; isn't it funny no one recalls exactly from where? Brace yourself for the truth! The first few missing socks lay dormant and quiet, only God knows where. They collect and consume poor, helpless dusk bunnies, slowly growing larger and larger, until they are completely filled. When they're strong enough, they creep out in the dead of the night. The Sock Monkey travels endlessly through your home, fervently searching through the washer, the dryer, the hampers, and if he's desperate enough, will even go through your sock drawer! He devours your helpless sock pairs, ripping them away from each other, forever...Hence, becoming the elusive Sock Monkey. If and when you spot the Sock Monkey, do not be fooled by his slight smirk, beady eyes and outstreched arms. Immediately shun his stare, sacrifice your sanity and grab him by the legs. He will attempt to coax you in with his false love and affection, do not give in! "Never give up, never surrender!" The following are ways to avenge your socks; you must deal in a way sock monkeys will understand.

P.S. Sock Monkeys have a weakness for puppy breath, grapes and gummy bears.

You can provide Mr. Sock Monkey with easy access to your "vitamin" cabinet. Make sure you take the label off of the bottles first, and he won't know the difference between Flintstone vitamins and horse tranquilizers.

Invite Mr. Sock Monkey to dinner. "Wine and Dine" the little guy. Remember, he loves grapes, so be sure to break out the savory stuff. This is your opportunity to slip him a little extra "flavor", courtesy of arsenic.

Mr. Sock Monkey may be too much for you to handle. In which case, you may need to call in the big guns...someone you can trust! Ninja Bear to the rescue! He makes everything look like an accident. Just what you need.

There's no way to make a light socket look attractive. You could however, unscrew the cover, jam some grape gummy bears into the openings, and put the cover back on. Don't forget to place the fork "strategically" next to the socket. All you have to do now is sit back, relax and watch the Electric Rave.

Conclusion of the Sock Monkey

I know by now you're thinking, "This is horrible and sickening!" Yes, you're right, it probably is. In the end, this is the way I've dealt with my Sock Monkey infestation. The first few, I decided to set free with a fair warning of consequences if they ever returned to my house. These decisions brought me years of missing sock and horrifying nightmares. I've decided to put a stop to the madness...What will you choose? The Red Pill (Death of a Sock Monkey) or the Blue Pill (Freedom and Return of a Sock Monkey)?