A Bright Side to Traffic Lights

How many of you have ever been stuck at a ridiculously long traffic light? If I gave a speech and asked this question, I believe everyone would have raised their hand. Some may have even jumped up and down raising both hands, or maybe I'm just picturing myself in the crowd. Truth of the matter is, in every town, in every city, in every state, there's that one traffic light you try to avoid. But don't be surprised if you happen to see me sitting there. These lights which seem to piss everyone and their mother off, are my saving graces. Where do you think I get to review or revise my to-do list? Or catch up on my reading of "War and Peace;" or even make flight, hotel and car rental reservations. Come to think of it, I was sitting at a light the last time I made hotel reservations! This is the place where all business professionals should hope and strive to be stuck. Do you know how many business transactions and meetings you could complete and check off your Outlook calender while waiting at one of these lights? I've never counted them, but I'm sure the amount would be astronomical. Traffic light stops are the best place in the world! And those people in front of you taking an hour to do a u-turn, praise God for them. They just gave you an opportunity, before walking into that interview, to brush your hair...or teeth, whatever. Yes, I know most of you get that warm fuzzy feeling at the thought of all green lights on the way to work, but just think of all the books you could read in that amount of time. Just watch, now you'll see everyone lining up at the longest traffic lights all around the world. And the people behind the wheel will be jumping for joy instead of cursing the city's right to authority and order. So the next time you're sitting at a freakishly long light, just remember, this is your opportunity to be the crazy happy person making phone calls to Expedia planning your next trip to the Bahamas.

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Toxic Lipstick

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful princess. You know the story of Snow White; she had hair black as ebony, lips as red as a rose and skin as white as snow. She ran from her evil step-mother and came upon the home of the seven dwarves. Here she was safe until her evil step-mother, disguised as a peddler, found and convinced her to take a bite of a "bad apple," literally. Presumed dead, Snow White was laid to rest in a glass coffin for all to admire her beautiful dead body. Out of the blue, some random prince from who knows where, shows up to kiss her dead frozen lips. Snow White miraculously awakens. She leaps into the prince's arms, they ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after...Or so we were told...What the Brothers Grimm failed to capture was the aftermath of the kiss. They easily exclaimed that the ending was happy; it was much simpler to state this fact than to explain the truth. Snow White led us to believe that there was no deceit beneath her shallow, musically annoying innocence. We all believed that it was normal and sweet that a woman could fall in love with a man after one or two encounters that were, let's just say, unrealistic. There can only be two reasons that Snow White was so readily willing to be with her Prince Charming. One, she's as easy as a country Megan Fox look-a-like who orders three, double Jack Daniels with Coke on the first date; or two, she's a case of what I'd like to call, Toxic Lipstick. I'd vote on the latter; although it would be entertaining to see the Jack Daniels girl. Toxic Lipstick is the name I've given a woman that's known for her short and prosperous escapades, enjoyed by only herself in the aftermath of a failed relationship. These are the type of women who wear those daring red dresses and sit alone at the bar, acting as if they don't care if you're looking or not. (We all know they do.) She's the type that laughs in the face of others' misfortunes, and says things like, "Blah, Blah, Blah!" Not that I'm calling anyone out...The sad truth is that our poor Prince Charming was led down the infamous path of the "Players." He bought into the lie that you should follow your heart, even if it leads you straight to hell. He followed his heart straight into a painful and drawn out whine fest of the "I needed's" and "Why didn't you's." We live in the time of pampered princesses and spoiled brats claiming their entitlement and ownership of reality. The never-ending need for attention and validation of their bad behavior poisons the following generations of young women. With our society's acceptance of the "Home wrecker" lifestyle, Toxic Lipstick will live on. Why did our black-haired beauty really decide to live with seven short men neck deep in diamonds? Snow White: innocent bystander to everyday evils, or pernicious and cruel example of the prowling Toxic Lipstick? You decide.

Photo Booths

Every time my husband and I see a photo booth, we have to jump in and take a picture. You know, the colossal and invasive contraptions that are just hanging out in the middle of the mall or amusement park with that embarrassingly thin curtain, made especially that way to mock our sitting there. Yeah, that couple in there, terribly uncomfortable and laughing hysterically at how squished we are, that’s probably us. I love the diversified selection of cheap borders they’ve come up with now. The orange and black tribal border, the “We’re Angels” header with pink clouds, and my favorite, the “Best Friends” header; because you know that phase above a picture of a couple of friends is so original; not to mention that they provide that one in every color imaginable. They’re all made so specially to frame those ridiculous looking posses and awkward positions that we tried to make look so flawlessly natural. Everything is automated now. It’s so awesome! They even have a monotone, and yes, even hostile voice talking us through the process of suggestive posses. And all of the sudden, BAM! “You’re on Candid Camera!” haha!! No, not really, but seriously! Surprisingly the light flashes a couple of times, you’re not ready for it at all, and then you’re done. Next, you have to squeeze your way out of the cramped little disaster of a booth, hoping we don’t crash into a troop of emo chicks or something. Then we have to wait five minutes to get the finished product. There we are waiting by the booth; both looking down at our feet with an awkward smile, hoping we don’t catch anyone’s eye; feeling like complete idiots for spending $5 bucks on something so cheesy. Yet, there’s something about the end product…Hearing the photos drop into the dispense tray. Biting our lips while we turn the picture over to see the printed merriment…Tadaaa!! Obtuse, yet priceless! I dare you to try it out the next time you see one! Remember to dodge those emo chicks!

My Volkswagen Beetle

So what if the Beetle was voted the safest car in 1990 something. The price seemed so reasonable at the time. I thought, “Wow! This is almost too good to be true!” Well, it was and I’m definitely paying for it now. I don’t even want to tell you how many tires I’ve had to replace on my car. You’d think I was a NASCAR driver or working for the government. The hubcaps have popped off so many times I’ve lost count; I’m actually currently missing the front passenger side hubcap. I’ve replaced so many belts, pans, pads and hoses; I could have saved those parts and made another car. Not to mention the cup holders have never fit any American made cup, so I would resort to just placing the cup in my lap… Smart… The whole car smelled like old milk from spilling iced lattes all over myself, so I bought one of the most potent car fresheners out there. The scent was something like “Baby Powder” or “Fresh Powder.” I just about died every time I stepped into my car. I had constant headaches and came out smelling like a freakin’ nursery. You better believe I trashed that freshener right away. So now my car smells like old milk with remnants of baby powder. I think it smells worse than before. My air conditioner stopped working 3 years ago when my sister and I decided to take a road trip across the country to California. Did I happen to mention that it stopped working in the middle of the desert in June… That was pleasant! I have lost all control of my “power windows.” I have to actually tug on the top of my window when it’s open to get it to even move an inch. My tape player died about 3 years ago (who has cassette tapes anyway), the 6 disk CD player in the trunk stopped working 6 years ago and the AM/FM button popped off when the dealership tried fixing the tape player. By the way, they never fixed any of those problems, shocker. My antenna looks like mice have gnawed off the aesthetic exterior coating, so now all you see is the coil wiring…lovely. BEWARE car buyers, stay away from Volkswagens! At least the Beetle side of the lot…Every part underneath the hood is plastic, plastic, plastic. If you want a car that will be in the shop the majority of the time you own it, step right up, sign your name in that stupid computer, and let this mass European corporation decide what car is best for you. What you don’t really know, is that the car salesman has screened you for your perfect fit, excuses himself for just a moment, and suggests while you wait, to try their new “Sign and Drive” event…Just sign the key pad, and your signature tells the computer what car is best for you…Yeah right, cause my hand has made me very happy. It’s the reason I’m so successful. Every important decision I need to make, I’m sure to consult with my writing hand first. Please tell me that the salesman didn’t just step away and put your name and preferred car in the computer. I’m sure every dealership or even every car has their thing, but when it’s one thing after another, enough is enough. I would not wish this car on my worst enemy.