Sheets and Lemons...Similarities?

So, how the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? I've even saved the tri-folded cardboard that comes in the sheet packaging to try and master the folding techniques that look like something out of a "How To Become O.C.D" self-help book...I've gone to such great lengths as to clearing off and standing on top of my bed, laying the fitted sheet across the bed and attempting to perfectly fold the flaps under, over, between and around...This is when I had an epiphany. A smirk slowly crept across my face. I threw up my hands in the air and praised God for this great deliverance...All this time I had been griping and complaining over the fact that I couldn't perfectly fold my sheets, when all along all I had to do was throw them into my linen closet and forget about it. Problem solved. I won't get a migraine every time I strip my bed, and the sheets will be even more accessible and easy to pull out of the closet. I'll also be able to distinguish the difference between the fitted and flat sheet. The nicely folded and stacked pile will always be the flat sheets, and the ones balled up in the corner of the linen closet are obviously the fitted sheets.

If you absolutely, positively have to fold your fitted sheet, cause you're just as crazy as me, here are the several ways I've tried (and failed) to get the perfect folding results:

One: Stand on top of the bed, lay the fitted sheet flat and try to eyeball and fold the corners underneath each other. (This was just frustrating.)

Two: Save the cardboard that comes with the sheet set. Pull the sheet around the cardboard and stuff the excess into the cardboard. It's really not folded at all, it just looks like it. (This was just a big fat lie.)

Three: Have your husband hold one end while you hold the other. Slowly walk toward each other with your arms pulling the sheet widely apart and hope the air flowing between you two doesn't disrupt the shape and folding you did with the sheet in the air. (Exhausting and created an argument.)

Four: Start at one end and roll the sheet together and fold the sheet in half. (Just looked funny.)

Five: Throw the sheet set away and buy a new one. (This could get kind of expensive.)

Six: Leave the sheet in the dryer until you need it. (I don't really recommend this one. The sheet is just in the way when you try to do laundry.)

Seven:  Just ball it up and throw it into your linen closet. (My Favorite.)

When life hands you lemons, screw the lemonade, make margaritas!

Promless and Powerful

This is just sad! At least I never had to worry
 I'd be voted the "Fat Hoochie Prom Queen."

Whenever someone finds out that I never went to prom, they always have this look of amazement and pity on their face. I receive their pitiful expression as an implication that I'm an incomplete person for not attending prom, or that I missed out on one of life's pleasures rarely achieved. I laugh inside. I know my promlessness has made me powerful, and a better person. I believe that I have benefited greatly from my lack of "experience" in the realm of high school standards. Movies seem to glorify this shallow and over dramatized event by leading the viewers to believe that a special young lady will be the belle of the ball and that all of her dreams will come true. Well, every young lady cannot be Cinderella. The mass media has falsified true individuality, in turn, creating a  rebellious generation. It's the great struggle in discovering  one's uniqueness, consequently followed by self preservation. Either the search for individuality takes over one's life, or we take complete control, therefore becoming the "Control Freak." Either way, we lose. I don't think I missed out on much that would have added to my value or confidence as a woman, or a person for that matter. I didn't have to worry about not being asked to go, or seeing the guy I like go with my ex-bff, who knew I liked him and went with the dude anyways. Or the awkward slow dance conundrum. Where do I put my hands? I don't want to be promiscuous or a prude. Is my hair staying? It should be, cause I dumped about 2 cans of hairspray on it. Speaking of cans, is he really trying to look down my dress right now? If I slap him, I'll have to leave early, and how will I get home? How could I walk through the halls of school ever again? I'll be notoriously known as the prude who slapped and ditched her prom date. I love how people think that there's no hope for those who never attended prom, hated prom, or made a fool of themselves at prom. And now-a-days, a girl has to wonder or await the decision to lose her virginity at prom to some immature 16 year old who doesn't have a clue what he's doing. Also the type of music and dancing that's acceptable at prom now, absolutely disgusting! It looks more like dogs humping. I don't think that's where a dad wants his teenage daughter running off too with her ridiculously flirtatious and boy-crazy girlfriends. I didn't worry about giving into the peer pressures or the nagging and false assurance of who society told me to be. Instead, I picked up a great classic novel and lived vicariously through my favorite young heroines. I believe that my family gave me the proper tools to create for myself a truly unique identity, therefore instilling in me a satisfying safeness in who I am. Prom, who needs you?

A Bright Side to Traffic Lights

How many of you have ever been stuck at a ridiculously long traffic light? If I gave a speech and asked this question, I believe everyone would have raised their hand. Some may have even jumped up and down raising both hands, or maybe I'm just picturing myself in the crowd. Truth of the matter is, in every town, in every city, in every state, there's that one traffic light you try to avoid. But don't be surprised if you happen to see me sitting there. These lights which seem to piss everyone and their mother off, are my saving graces. Where do you think I get to review or revise my to-do list? Or catch up on my reading of "War and Peace;" or even make flight, hotel and car rental reservations. Come to think of it, I was sitting at a light the last time I made hotel reservations! This is the place where all business professionals should hope and strive to be stuck. Do you know how many business transactions and meetings you could complete and check off your Outlook calender while waiting at one of these lights? I've never counted them, but I'm sure the amount would be astronomical. Traffic light stops are the best place in the world! And those people in front of you taking an hour to do a u-turn, praise God for them. They just gave you an opportunity, before walking into that interview, to brush your hair...or teeth, whatever. Yes, I know most of you get that warm fuzzy feeling at the thought of all green lights on the way to work, but just think of all the books you could read in that amount of time. Just watch, now you'll see everyone lining up at the longest traffic lights all around the world. And the people behind the wheel will be jumping for joy instead of cursing the city's right to authority and order. So the next time you're sitting at a freakishly long light, just remember, this is your opportunity to be the crazy happy person making phone calls to Expedia planning your next trip to the Bahamas.

http://www.expedia.com/pub/agent.dll

Photo Booths

Every time my husband and I see a photo booth, we have to jump in and take a picture. You know, the colossal and invasive contraptions that are just hanging out in the middle of the mall or amusement park with that embarrassingly thin curtain, made especially that way to mock our sitting there. Yeah, that couple in there, terribly uncomfortable and laughing hysterically at how squished we are, that’s probably us. I love the diversified selection of cheap borders they’ve come up with now. The orange and black tribal border, the “We’re Angels” header with pink clouds, and my favorite, the “Best Friends” header; because you know that phase above a picture of a couple of friends is so original; not to mention that they provide that one in every color imaginable. They’re all made so specially to frame those ridiculous looking posses and awkward positions that we tried to make look so flawlessly natural. Everything is automated now. It’s so awesome! They even have a monotone, and yes, even hostile voice talking us through the process of suggestive posses. And all of the sudden, BAM! “You’re on Candid Camera!” haha!! No, not really, but seriously! Surprisingly the light flashes a couple of times, you’re not ready for it at all, and then you’re done. Next, you have to squeeze your way out of the cramped little disaster of a booth, hoping we don’t crash into a troop of emo chicks or something. Then we have to wait five minutes to get the finished product. There we are waiting by the booth; both looking down at our feet with an awkward smile, hoping we don’t catch anyone’s eye; feeling like complete idiots for spending $5 bucks on something so cheesy. Yet, there’s something about the end product…Hearing the photos drop into the dispense tray. Biting our lips while we turn the picture over to see the printed merriment…Tadaaa!! Obtuse, yet priceless! I dare you to try it out the next time you see one! Remember to dodge those emo chicks!